Diary of a Widower

How about that new girlfriend?

SUNDAY, August 29 – The slight hesitation betrayed that she was searching for a polite, but perhaps not entirely honest answer. On the way to the station, I had to ask – what had she thought of C? After a slight pause came the reply. ‘She’s a sweet person. Someone who’ll take good care of you.’

And that was that, an example of how mothers think. In any case, my mother. A daughter-in-law must meet the minimum requirement of what she considers a ‘caring person’. In her eyes, Jennifer met that requirement, and so did C, now, in a sense. In any case, during her visit she had seen this with her own eyes. A woman full of warmth who made her guests happy.

What I was hoping she would notice above all was the visible love between C and me as well as the affectionate relationship between C and my children. The happiness that has gradually become a bit mundane for the six of us, was quite overwhelming for my mother.

Hence her cautious reply, which was keyed to my happiness, as opposed to our happiness. Happiness for me. She added that, in all honesty, it was not possible to gain a good impression of someone on the basis of an afternoon and an evening and that, in the end, it was, above all, difficult to accept that Jennifer was no longer there.  That was the undertone of her reply. That her daughter-in-law had been ‘replaced’.

That is also the first reaction within our own circle of acquaintances, as I’ve been noticing in the last few weeks. Friends and acquaintances still see you as the man without the woman: Tim without Jennifer, the single man with two children, the family without a mother. In our blind but loving haste, we have perhaps failed to take that into consideration.

Where Jennifer’s parents are concerned, I have been very cautious. While we were in the States, I mentioned the woman and her two children we had visited in France and last night seemed like a good opportunity to give Jenn’s mother some more information. So, I told her how the mother and her children arrived in Holland and how well the children get along with each other. Also, I explained that she and I are more than friends and that we have actually developed a relationship.

No names, no details, no rejoicing. What was important was the fact of it and that is what I wanted to share with Jenn’s mother. Happily, her response was favorable. She said immediately that that was what Jennifer would have wished and she stressed how important it was for me to have a partner again, someone I can talk to. That did me a world of good. At the same time, I was aware of the pain this new reality might cause, so I did not go into detail about the intensity of the new relationship.

Our friends and acquaintances would prefer the hour hand to move more slowly, while for us the minute hand can’t go fast enough. Time does not heal all wounds, as we’ve been taught, and that goes equally so for my mother, mother-in-law, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and others who knew Jennifer. C is not a band-aid that heals the pain and, above all, she is not a replacement. She is my new love. Get used to it, world around us. Take as long as you need.

Friends and lovers meet

MONDAY, August 23 – C and I go to see friends of mine. Two couples enjoying a glass of wine. It’ll take a while for them to get used to seeing us together.

It’s still strange for me as well, biking through Vondel Park, going out and meeting people, doing things together. It feels great, this life of mine: not only as a single father, but also as a loving partner. Two parents with their own, but also shared responsibilities.  Strange?  It’s already becoming familiar.

Starting anew back home

SATURDAY, August 14 – Writing on my Facebook wall, I report to friends that: ‘After 2,800 miles on the highway (4,5 pounds heavier from all the snacks we ate in the car), meeting many friends on the East Coast, not having read a single book (although I’m writing one), but lots of adventures in the air, underneath the waterfall across the border, I want to thank all our American family and friends. Jennifer’s ashes were scattered in a beautiful spot and we will now follow our life’s paths in new directions.

            At nine o’clock in the morning the first steps in this new direction has taken us to the arrivals hall at Schiphol Airport, where C is waiting for us. We head home, where her daughters have prepared a welcome home breakfast. During our absence they stayed in our apartment – pending further plans after their three years in France. The future is uncertain, at least as far as accommodations go, even though  C and I see more than enough future for the two of us. We agree that for the time being they’ll be staying with us.

            Out on the balcony, we drink our second glass of champagne of the morning. Our downstairs neighbor, who’s working in the garden, looks up and smiles. I introduce C as a guest who’ll be staying with us for a while, together with her children. On the way to the supermarket we walk down the street hand-in-hand.  My colleague T cycles by and waves. Shyly I smile back and gradually it dawns on me, my houseguest is my girlfriend.