‘Always follow your heart’
WEDNESDAY, November 18 – Went by our family doctor to have the death certificate signed by an authorized physician. The receptionist immediately showed me into a separate room. There were tears in her eyes as, apparently, she knew who I was and what had happened.
The same thing had happened to her. Her husband died in a traffic accident, some time ago and she’d been left behind with a six-year-old. Companions in misery. ‘Let’s seal that with a hug,’ I say, and there we stand in a warm embrace: two perfect strangers.
She gives me her name and phone number and says I can call her any time. And by the way, she says: ‘Whatever you do or don’t do, always follow your heart.’
23:15 – Jennifer, I miss you terribly. I can’t believe I’ll never hold you in my arms again. Never make you a cup of tea. Talk about your day. Listen to your stories. Oh my God, oh my God. There’s a huge pile of cards and letters on the table that will somehow have to be answered. Elsa is in her basket and the boys are upstairs in bed. Bodhi, the cat, keeps badgering me to feed him before he heads outside for the rest of the night. I cry and cry and cry.
It is never easy. I lost my husband four years ago and I still hurt. I think I will always hurt. I have just become better at hiding it. I was left with 3 children. I have watched them grieve and been strong for them. I always remind myself that as hard as this is for me , it is just a hard ,if not harder for them. They are what keep me going.
Love that last sentence. So true. However, I found it to be also very important to find other stuff that keeps me going as well, in order to be able to be there for them (and keep going). Ah, that never ending cycle. Like the laundry 🙂
Yes the other stuff is so important too – even the laundry keeps you going some days when you just don’t feel like getting out of your PJs. I realised after my husband died that I had been so defined by him, our marriage, my job, our child, that I literally forgot what it was like to be still and be me. And to be okay with that, and therefore my daughter would be okay with that too.