Diary of a Widower

Daily entries by a husband, who stayed behind with his two sons

Entitled to guilt-free sex?

SUNDAY, April 4 – K was talking about vulnerability, something that’s assumed to be  primarily a feminine sensation. A woman wants to surrender, a man wants to conquer, and yet, when it comes to sex, there’s a kind of mental block  for her and for me. It’s probably a question of relaxation and creating total trust between us so that we can make love without thinking about it. Another new experience.

For me, thinking about it entails all sorts of problems. During sex an alarm bell suddenly goes off. A small voice says, ‘Hey, Overdiek, what do you think you’re doing?’  It’s not a reproach or a warning, but simply a reminder. I am with someone, inside someone while for almost nineteen years I had shared a bed with the same person.

After all that time sex was, of course, no longer an adventure. It was planned, prearranged, and perfunctory, but nonetheless it was no less intimate or pleasurable for that. All this was going through my head last night.

‘Do you feel guilty?’ K asked, not for the first time.  No. One hundred percent no! Why should I? Intimacy, affection, caresses, a good screw: these are things that every human being – every body – is entitled to and needs.  At least, I do.

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2 thoughts on “Entitled to guilt-free sex?

  1. I am happy you are writing about this. Sometimes it feels very taboo but is good to know that we are all humans.

  2. John on said:

    Wow! You give me hope that this widower (two years in July) might find a new relationship. I’ve been dating, but nothing seems to be happening. I feel like I’ve got a roadblock the size of Russia when it comes to intimacy.

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