Diary of a Widower

Daily entries by a husband, who stayed behind with his two sons

Yes I can, I tell my boss

TUESDAY, August 17 – Spent an hour or so with my boss, both of us just back from vacation. Are we starting the new season together, and if so, how? ‘No matter what,’ was my reply.  With one hundred percent energy, concentration, and dedication.  The small print reads: ‘In any case, we’re going to give it a damn good try.’

I tell him frankly that I still can’t commit myself totally. It is my honest intention to pull my weight and to play a full role, but he and I know all too well how demanding the job is. You’re always on call, you have to keep an eye on the various news channels, and there are a great many evening obligations. Inevitably, there is a price to pay in your private life.

This scares me. I’m afraid of falling into the same trap as before Jennifer’s death: focusing my attention on work and work alone. That’s unthinkable now and that’s the snag. When I want to do something 100 percent, I have to give it 110 percent, where in some cases 90 percent would suffice. That’s something I have to learn.

But is 90 percent enough when it comes to being a good father?  Time will tell and luckily that’s what I’ve been given.  My boss says: ‘Give yourself the time.’ We shake hands. Everything’s going to turn out all right, even if it doesn’t.

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