Diary of a Widower

Daily entries by a husband, who stayed behind with his two sons

Sleepless in Sadness

WEDNESDAY, September 22 – That was the second sleepless night in a row and I’m exhausted.  Anyone who is exhausted after spending hours staring at the ceiling, pacing through the house, and tossing and turning eventually starts to have doubts. Doubts about everything. Especially himself. What the fuck am I doing?

Pretty destructive thoughts. You get in a negative spiral, inclined to reject everything and everyone. The things that went through my mind last night!!  Pfff.  Maybe those thoughts were so negative because the boys and I have been making such progress. Can all that be wiped out in a single blow? Right now that’s the way it feels.

A couple of hours sleep early in the morning keeps me going. A refreshing shower, strong coffee, kids setting off for school without too much of a hassle. There are a lot of things that fill me with doubt, but my relationship with C is not one of them. To be on the safe side, I tell her so and that feels good on this Wednesday morning, exactly eleven months after the accident.

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