Diary of a Widower

Daily entries by a husband, who stayed behind with his two sons

28 May 2013

‘This is the perfect life’

FRIDAY, May 28 – Eamonn wakes me up. He has a drawing in his hand. For me. There are four people and two animals at the top of a hill and Papa has his arm over Mom’s shoulder. Big brother has his arm over his little brother’s shoulder. On the left the cat, on the right the dog. ‘This is a perfect life,’ Eamonn explains. Tears come to my eyes and I go off to look for a frame for the drawing.

Long after midnight – the guests have departed and the house is empty. The dishwasher is doing its work. At this ungodly hour, Elsa went to the end of the street, did her duty and trotted back. Long enough, said her sleepy-eyed look. I couldn’t agree more. It was a good party: friends, singing, music. Eamonn was exuberant and refilled all the glasses. As usual, Sander was in charge and delighted everyone by playing the piano. What’s left to be said? Maybe that the house is still empty and will always be empty. Very empty.

Posted in Kid's grieving, Remembering | Leave a comment
27 May 2013

Strengthening our family ties

THURSDAY, May 27 – At the crack of dawn, the boys and I are off to Schiphol where we’ll be picking up Uncle Pete, before I drop  them off at school. Pete, their favorite uncle, has flown over from New York to celebrate what would have been Jennifer’s 42nd birthday.

It comes as no surprise when, in the early afternoon, Sander calls to say that he’s on his way home. He keeps seeing flashbacks of the accident and it’s impossible for him to concentrate.  It is even less of a surprise when twenty minutes later Eamonn calls. ‘Bad day, bad day, I just want to be with the people I love.’

Half an hour later Eamonn and I are sitting on the bed.  He tells me that all of a sudden he realizes that we’re going to be celebrating Mom’s birthday, but Mom won’t be there. The shoe has dropped and the end result is a painful tangle of thoughts in his head. Logic is no good, but a good hug helps to unravel the knot.

Uncle Pete is sleeping off his jet lag. He and I talked for three hours this morning: about life and death, about Jenn, friends, family, the suspect, about him and about me – exchanging profound thoughts about life, in general. The boys wake him up earlier than planned, but the sight of those happy faces makes up for any lost sleep.

Who wants to be sitting in a classroom or office?  We refer to this as ‘playing social hooky’.

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26 May 2013
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Gearing up for his trial

WEDNESDAY, May 26 – Maybe it had something to do with that phone call from my lawyer giving me  the latest news. Maybe not. In any case, since this afternoon I’ve been dead-tired, in my legs, my arms … and my head is spinning. No energy.

While what I really need now is to pep myself up. Prepare for that Thursday afternoon on the 17th of June. My lawyer just phoned to tell me that R will stand trial that day.

The summons will be in the mail this afternoon, indictment  pertaining to section 6, paragraph 5:  Wrongful death. His lawyer has requested a meeting before the sitting, but I have no desire to see him nor would it be in my interest.

From now on I must try conserve my energy.

Posted in Traffic victim
25 May 2013

Working with heart and soul

TUESDAY, May 25 – Is it possible that I have been inspired by our Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende? The words he spoke this morning on Radio One held a certain appeal. Why was he prepared to work so hard all those years, and why did he now want to remain Prime Minister?

‘Because I want to continue to do my work with heart and soul,’ he said. ‘And I’m able to do so because I have a fantastic home front and Bianca supports me every step of the way.’

Hm… The home front. Work with heart and soul. That’s always been my goal and that’s how I’ve lived. If you’re going to do something, do it well. With single-mindedness and enthusiasm. It is inevitable that that will be at the expense of the home front, especially at a certain level, whether as a politician or – in my case – as a journalist with executive responsibility.

The words of the Prime Minister kept going around in my head, as I hurried from one appointment to the next. Long, exhausting discussions about personnel management, journalism, and company strategy which I actively participated in.  But at the same time, my mind wasn’t fully functioning.

I had to leave at three o’clock and race to pick up Eamonn. I was a bit late. At four I had an appointment in the city. Got there three minutes late. At 5:30 I headed home to fix dinner and dropped Eamonn off for his guitar lesson. Just made it. At 6:30 I had an appointment with the contractor and in the evening I had my hands full with Sander and Eamonn. After they were in bed, I had time for some paperwork.

Now it’s well past midnight. Too late for someone who has to be up at 6:15 the next morning to fix breakfast and make the boys’ lunches. How long can I keep going around in circles?  And how do I write it down?  In the form of a question:  ‘Am I going to make it?’ Or do I already know the answer? Which might be: ‘No, I’m not going to make it.’

It’s much too early to ponder this, but the simple fact is that I’ve asked the question…

Posted in Back to work, Three Guys | Leave a comment
24 May 2013

Single dad or grieving widower?

MONDAY, May 24 – I email a thank-you note to the hostess:

‘Thanks so much for inviting us to the barbecue. It was a great bunch of people and the kids certainly enjoyed themselves. Sometimes I realize that there are things that keep me from accepting invitations. As a single dad with certain responsibilities, you have a totally different social life. But I’m slowly learning to shrug things off and the great group you had there last night really made me feel good.’

Is that it?  Am I now a single father instead of a grieving widower? Do single women or mothers no longer see at a glance what kind of shit I’m carrying around with me every day? I wonder if they see what I can still see: that there was once a wedding ring on my left hand.

Posted in Grieving, New love | Leave a comment
23 May 2013

It’s okay to have fun

SUNDAY, May 23 – We’re off Later to a barbecue at a friend’s house.  Eamonn is clearly not looking forward to the outing. He says it’s because he’s never really enjoyed anything since Mom’s death. Of course, he sometimes has fun, ‘but it’s not real pleasure, if you know what I mean, Papa.’

It’ll come back, I venture. He has his own thoughts on the matter, but he says nothing.

Later that evening, as we’re driving home, I ask Eamonn if he had a good time. He can hardly say no, since during the barbecue he and another kid seemed to do nothing but race by, screaming with laughter. He nodded. Yeah, it was fantastic. As he spoke the words, he remembered what he had maintained so emphatically earlier in the day. His face fell and he corrected himself:  ‘It was okay.’

I struck while the iron was hot. ‘It’s more than okay to enjoy yourself, Eamonn. More than okay.’ I accepted his silence.

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21 May 2013

Haunted by the images

FRIDAY, May 21 – I have a feeling this could be one of our last visits to the psychologist.  It was a meaningless session during which we didn’t really discuss anything, and the boys were full of playful banter. A couple more times, maybe, and then we can make it on our own.

But how wrong I was – I failed to pick up on the signals.

The evening before Sander had indicated that he was still haunted by images of the accident. This time it was worse than ever. He said he was able to put himself in the shoes of both his mother and the police officer. He relived the accident as victim and as perpetrator. What he called a ‘bad moment’ was something that came and went. At least, that’s what I’d thought.

Today he didn’t want to talk about it with the psychologist, so we dropped the subject until this evening:  twice we get into a furious argument and twice we make up. Then the truth finally comes out. Today he was sent out of the classroom.  There’d been anger and frustration leading to miscommunication with his Dutch teacher.

‘I’m tired of explaining to her that it’s because of the accident,’ he said. So, he didn’t tell her why he was acting up and as a result, his conduct was misinterpreted – by me as well.

I’m so thankful that I’m able to talk to both my boys; although not necessarily immediately or on request. At some point the topic comes up, often spontaneously, and that’s the real advantage. This is one of the results of the weekly sessions with the psychologist that I had gotten going the week after the cremation. Every Friday afternoon from two to three we’ve been there, all three of us. Laying the foundation for the real therapeutic work, if that proved necessary in the future.

Now that future is knocking on the door. Sander himself came up with the diagnosis ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’.  He must have picked it up somewhere and then realized what was actually going on inside him. I emailed the psychologist and she can squeeze us in on Monday afternoon. Little by little we’re going to sweep away all the shit from the past. With professional help, not by lovingly brushing it aside with paternal hugs – which he gets anyway.

Posted in Kid's grieving, Three Guys, Traffic victim | Leave a comment
20 May 2013
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And now, leave me alone!

THURSDAY, May 20 – Just leave me the fuck alone. Give me some space, kids. A rest. Spare me your questions, your requests, your criticism, your nagging, your cravings, your demands, your problems, your dirty laundry, your clean laundry, your shoelaces, your missing toothpaste, your bread crusts, the last bite of your vegetables, everything that’s made life difficult for you today. Just leave me the fuck alone, and go to your mother.

Posted in Three Guys
19 May 2013

Leaving the kids all alone

WEDNESDAY, May 19 – Tonight I have a late meeting in Hilversum, so the kids will have to go to bed on their own.  I’m not sure it’s entirely fair to them, but at the same time I know it’ll work. I can’t always find someone to keep an eye on them, and they’re getting older. But still…  Get home around eleven o’clock and I’m touched to find Eamonn in my bed.

Posted in Back to work, Three Guys | Leave a comment
18 May 2013

Grandpa, but no grandma

TUESDAY, May 18 – A colleague calls to tell me that he’s become a grandfather. I remember his son from our stay in the States, when he was in high school. Wow!  Solid proof of how time flies. I smile at the thought of my friends as grandparents and I’m reminded of the two baby quilts that his wife W made for our boys, the oldest of whom is now a high school student himself. Baby. Grandparent. Me someday.

But never Jennifer.

Posted in Family & Friends, Grieving | Leave a comment

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